own it Sober Furious own it |

One thing that has been an important part of growing up into my forties has been “owning my own shit”. A somewhat vulgar phrase that has become common vernacular. At its core, it’s about being responsible and accountable for myself and how I interact with the world around me. The biggest and most demonstrable part of that is my behavior as a wife, daughter, sister, friend. The impact of my actions on my family, friends and colleagues and how I make other people feel. How I make a positive contribution to the lives of others, while staying true to my own values.

Own your shit; Take responsibility of your actions.
Own your shit and admit your wrong doing
Urban Dictionary

through-put

This act of “owning your own shit” is not exclusive to those going through a sober curious revolution.

It’s more related to understanding deeply who you are as a person. Being clear on what you hold dear. Defining what you wish to prioritize and focus on in life. And then having the through-put to back that up, on a consistent basis.

cringe

When I was a boozy, bingey-drinky individual, this kind of consistency, reliability and just plain decency was sometimes lacking. While my behavior rarely got tooooo damaging or destructive, there were moments, incidents and evenings that I look back on cringing, knowing I did not represent myself well. Through blurry, cobbled together memories, I am certain that I did not show up well for my friends and family.

At best, I was a distracted douche, perhaps sometimes a tactless tit and at worst I was a drunken dick.

In the interest of becoming a better person, “owning my own shit” and growing up, I have a strong desire to repair any damage done in my younger years. Not normally a Miley Cyrus fan, I’ve been playing her latest track ‘Used to be Young’ on repeat, reflecting on the lyrics, warbling to my hearts content. While Miley excuses her more wild, reckless behavior on her youth and acknowledges those behaviors are in the past, for me, I cannot so easily forgive any past behavior by blaming it on my younger, wilder years or on alcohol. That is just too easy.

I want to own my poor behaviors and face the facts – that I have let people down, offended them or embarrassed myself. It hurts to admit my mistakes and remember my shameful moments, but that is part of the process.

“This song is about honoring who we‘ve been, loving who we are and celebrating who we will become.” Miley Cyrus

steps

And so, similar to the 9th step of a classic AA program, I am working through making amends with those people who I let down. Alcoholics Anonymous’ Step 9 of the 12 Steps is to make amends with those who have been harmed during the throes of alcohol addiction. It builds on Step 8, which required the individual to make a list of everyone he or she has harmed throughout the battle with alcohol addiction.

I don’t have a list, per se, of people who I need to apologize to but I certainly have friends who I feel I should have done better by. And I have been reaching out to those friends. Giving them a taste of the better person I am slowly becoming and admitting to them the sadness I feel when I think about how I let them down or the shame I feel when I reflect on moments of my past.

It’s gut wrenching and scary being so vulnerable but, so far, people have been very warm and kind to me. Working through the discomfort is a very productive journey and I feel better for it.

phony

With my focus on being real and owning it, what better contrast than something phony. A Phony Negroni to be precise. My husband found these online and kindly bought a box of 12 for me as a birthday gift. They are by a brand called St. Agrestis and describe themselves as The Negroni For When You’re Not Negroni-ing. A non-alcoholic option with nuanced juniper, citrus, and floral notes, this delightful mocktail has the same bitterness and bite of the classic cocktail, sans alcohol.